In-Law Relationships

There is something inherently scary about in-law relationships. I never really understood that growing up, because my mom got along with my dad’s side of the family swimmingly, and my dad did the same with his in-laws. I really figured that they were the norm. But then my brother got married, and though I never knew the full scope, I saw glimpses, and he once told me “think hard about who you marry because you marry their family too.” Still, I thought it was just kind of a cliché. And then 13 years ago, I got married….. I caught a few glimpses of the differences between my family and my husband’s, but honestly it took quite a while before the full magnitude of that sunk in. And it took quite a while longer before we found a decent balance with which we could work.

Boundaries must be drawn. Advice must be taken with a grain (or two) of salt. Positive attributes must be considered in creating a new family together, and those negative experiences from childhood must be utilized as tools to help you avoid mistakes with your own spouse and children. Going into a marriage with the understanding that your two backgrounds are different, and a desire to accept those differences and use them to build your own background will strengthen the marital bond, and help increase your understand of your partner.

Gloria Horsley gives some pointers on what she recommends parents-in-law should avoid in helping create a harmonious relationship.
-Giving advice
-Criticizing
-Pinning down children-in-law about specific reasons for missing events
-Trying to control anyone and everything including a child’s beliefs
-Unclear and indirect communication
-Criticism or taking over the discipline of grandchildren

Having either seen or experienced first hand each and every one of these, I second this advice.

It’s an adjustment to get married, and mesh two separate and distinct lives into one, and though I’m not to the stage yet, I would venture a guess that it’s also hard to let go of that parental role when a child gets married, and take on an entirely new role as a parent-in-law. I’m by no means in a rush to get to that stage of the game, but hopefully when I do I will be well enough prepared to avoid the bigger mistakes. My boys are all mama’s boys, so I’d appreciate any wishes of luck you might send my way.

Let's be honest-- Some days in the world of parenting feel like a power struggle. I have learned along the way that you just have to pick your battles. If my son wants to wear his super hero cape to the grocery store, I can live with that. Avoiding the struggle of getting him to leave it behind is not worth it, because it really doesn't matter in the long run. If only all the battles were that easy. Parenting is truly an amazing experience for me. One for which I am incredibly grateful, and which brings me more happiness and blessings than I could ever have dreamed of, but which is also tough some days! But you know what they say-- nothing worth having comes easy. So, how do we find that balance in our families? The following tips from Brother Richard B. Miller, of BYU can lend some great direction into figuring that out.

1. Parents are the leaders in the family. Appropriate discipline is necessary, as it shows love and respect. Some democracy within the family is great, however the parents are the leaders and make decisions that are best for the family.
2. Parents must be united in leadership. Ideally, parents should discuss issues without children present and come to a mutual conclusion before involving children. They should be on the same page so as to not undermine one another as decisions are made.
3. Parent/ Child hierarchy dissolves when children become adults. 
4. The marital relationship should be a partnership. Parents should be equal partners within a marriage, each contributing their unique and important portions to the relationship and the family dynamic. One spouse should not dictate or rule over the family, but alongside their partner in love and mutual respect.

(Who is the Boss? Power Relationships in Families)

Figuring these balances out will give us a huge advantage in raising our children with a positive view of respect, power, and leadership. It's been said that our kids may not remember what we say, but they will remember what we do. Our example shines far brighter than our words, and being a team as parents will be of great worth in setting those examples we long for our children to remember. And let us never forget the the third partner in our marriage is our Father in Heaven, and he has quite a bit invested in His children as well, and wants to see them succeed, just as we do. He will be of great worth to us as we wind our way through this crazy journey of parenthood.

The family I grew up in was not incredibly open in what we comfortably discussed. So, you can imagine sexual matters—completely out of the question. I know I’m not alone in feeling a bit lost after getting married, when suddenly these things that had been off limits for so long were now totally acceptable. These feelings are obviously a lot more commonplace than we’d like to think, as the apostles and even prophets of the Church have felt it necessary to speak up in this regard.

Hugh B. Brown said, “Thousands of young people come to the marriage altar almost illiterate insofar as this basic and fundamental function is concerned. The sex instinct is not something we need to fear or be ashamed of. It is God-given and has a high and holy purpose. We want our young people to know that sex is not an unmentionable human misfortune, and it certainly should not be regarded as a sordid but necessary part of marriage. There is no excuse for approaching this most intimate relationship in life without true knowledge of its meaning and its high purpose.”

There might be misconception that because it is sacred it is secret. This isn’t the case! Though it should be held in the highest regard, and reserved for conversation between those covenanted in marriage, and possibly with a bishop or other counselor, it can and should be openly communicated. This is the way we will grow closer together, and use this God-given tool to strengthen our marriages.

Parley P Pratt: “The fact is, God made man, male and female; He planted in their bosoms those affections which are calculated to promote their happiness and union. As husbands and wives learn to give of themselves and  to understand each others’ needs and desires, these affections will grow until the do indeed promote their happiness and union.

One huge aspect of marriage alongside sexual relations is fidelity. I know the thing that instantly pops into our minds when we think of infidelity is a sexual affair. We need to know, however, that infidelity generally starts long before anything sexual crosses anyone’s mind.  Kenneth W. Matheson said, “Fidelity includes refraining from physical contact- but that is not all. Fidelity also means complete commitment, trust, and respect between husband and wife.” More that just physical, fidelity is emotional, spiritual, and marital. A covenant between husband and wife is a contract to give your whole heart to that person. If you have committed to this, there is no portion of your heart left to give to anyone outside your marriage.

As with other aspects of life, it is best if we avoid the very appearance of evil. This is a huge area in which keeping your distance from the edge of the cliff is not only wise, it’s imperative. H. Wallace Goddard taught the following steps in preventing fidelity and maintaining our purity.

1.     Do not allow seeds of lust to germinate.

2.     Never make excuses to spend time alone with a person of the opposite sex who is not your spouse.

3.     Take responsibility for the messages you give.

4.     Do not allow your heart to dwell on anyone.

5.     If you continue to make excuses to continue the relationship you are addicted. Get help.

6.     Spend more enjoyable time with your spouse.

7.     Renew your spiritual efforts. Pray, study your scriptures, fill the empty places with service and love for your family.

8.     Don’t set yourself up for failure. Avoiding is better than resisting.

9.     Keep your soul free of soul-numbing barrenness of pornography.

10. Celebrate the sweet gifts of companionship.

Some of the strongest, most faithful people can become deceived and trapped by Satan’s snares if they aren’t careful. The thought that ‘it could never happen to me’ cannot apply here. We must be ever aware and diligent in nurturing our marriages and the love we have for our partners. This isn’t always a given, and just like anything worth having, a good marriage takes effort and consideration.

Overcoming Gridlock

 

Envision the word 'gridlock' in your mind. What are you picturing? A traffic jam, presumably? 

If that's what you're thinking of, you'd be right. Gridlock: (noun) The stoppage of free vehicular 

movement in an urban area because key intersections are blocked by traffic. However, let's go 

beyond this meaning. We also read: any situation in which nothing can move or proceed in any 

direction. Can this happen in our marriages or relationships? You bet it can! Whether it's our 

stubborn nature, a lack of understand, or even the refusal to give up on a dream or a value, there 

are times when we stand with a strong refusal to compromise. We get the idea in our heads that 

we MUST solve this problem-- our partner MUST concede, because we sure aren't going to, and 

we can't move past it until they do. John Gottman would argue that this isn't the case. He believes 

that "we don't have to solve the problem to get past the gridlock. Neither party must 'give in' or 

'lose.' The goal is to be able to acknowledge and discuss the issue without hurting each other. 

(The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work)

He goes on to explain that gridlock is a sign that you have dreams that haven't been acknowledged, 

your partner isn't aware of, or that aren't respected. "In satisfying relationships, partners incorporate 

each others goals into their concept of what marriage is about." Honoring a partner's dream can 

happen on three levels, according to Gottman. The first level is simple expressing understanding and 

a desire to learn more. The second is actively enabling the dream for your partner, and third, becoming 

a part of the dream along with your partner. You have have been struggling with gridlock for months or 

even years about a particular conflict that could have been alleviated with a simple acknowledgement 

of understanding!! Perhaps it's time to take a step outside the car and make note of the available routes 

you have to get out of that traffic jam.

So there has to be a way to go about this. Right? Continuing with Gottman's findings, there is a process.

1. Explore your dream(s).

2. Sooth.

3. Reach a temporary compromise.

4. Say thank you!

As usual, I would surmise that this is all easier said than done. However, would you prefer sitting in your 

hot car, no plausible escape in sight, hungry, and with places to be, or would you rather find a way out? 

Get back to your life and the things you value? I think the majority of us would agree on the more 

appealing option.

Gottman sums it up with a little bit of wise advice. If we work on our marriages a little extra every day, 

there is no need for a major overhaul. It's as simple as a kiss upon reuniting after a day apart, a date 

night once a week to reconnect and enjoy each other, and showing each other some added appreciation.

Add these up, and in as little as six hours a week you can fortify your marriage and avoid the nightmare 

of a gridlocked relationship.

Can We Solve This?

Every marriage is going to encounter problems from time to time. Every couple will fail to agree on every issue. Each and every one of us needs to learn how to best solve problems, especially within the sacred confines of our marriages.

One of John Gottman’s principles to making marriage work focuses on this very topic. He says we must solve our solvable problems. He advises five steps to doing just that. Let’s walk through them together.

1.     Soften your startup. Approach a source of conflict calmly and optimistically, and share responsibility in the situation. Express specifically how you feel and what you need.

2.     Learn to make and receive repair attempts. Try to see past the tone and listen to the messages your partner is sending.

3.     Soothe yourself and each other. If you’re feeling overwhelmed, upset, or angry, take a break! Relax! Give yourselves time to calm down before starting the conversation again.

4.     Compromise. You’ll never get anywhere if you don’t learn to compromise on some issues. Try to see and understand things from your partner’s point of view, and step back to look at what is truly of utmost importance to you.

5.     Process any grievances so they don’t linger. “If emotional injuries aren’t addressed, they tend to become constant irritants—like a stone in your shoe that you keep walking on.”

                                                                                      (The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work)

No doubt getting into this habit will take time. Trying to use positive, optimistic approaches when every fiber of your being feels like it wants to shout will take practice and repetition. And doing this isn’t going to take your problems away, but it will give you necessary resources to combat problems that do arise.

Along the lines of conflict resolution and compromise in a marriage we would do well to look at how consecration ties into marriage. I’m sure we’ve all heard the saying, ‘Marriage isn’t 50/50. Marriage is 100/100.’ This couldn’t be more true, and goes hand in hand with this idea of consecration. Most of us think of financial and other assets when we think of the law of consecration, however we would do well to view it within the realm of emotions, time, affection, talents, etc. within a marriage. H. Wallace Goddard states, “Consecration is a covenant that moves us from asking how we can get our needs met to asking how we can bless and serve.” A thriving marriage requires that we are actively giving our all, without focus on our own desires and needs being met. However, in true irony, this is the best way to have our needs met.

He further counsels, “Consecration has everything to do with marriage. It is acting to redeem our partners and our covenants with everything we have and everything we may draw from Heaven. We do all of this in order to establish Zion in our own homes. No partner on the face of the earth can meet all our needs. In mortality we will live with disappointment. We can dwell on our discontent or we can celebrate the points of connection.”

How much are we willing to give? Are we truly committed to giving our all? Are we committed to giving our all softly, calmly, and without keeping score?

Pride Cometh Before the Fall

“The natural man is inclined to love himself and fix others. God has asked us to do the opposite. We are to fix ourselves by repenting, and to love others.” (H. Wallace Goddard) Take a moment to reflect on this insight. Do you find this to be true in your life? Do you see others as those who need fixing, yet rarely look at how to improve your own flaws? In becoming true partners working toward eternal salvation, do we listen to our spouses, take their opinions into consideration, and choose the ‘us’ over the ‘me’?

It is interesting to consider the various ways in which pride sneaks into our lives and into our marriages, without us even recognizing it for what it is. What are some of the ways which pride manifests itself that might slip past us? President Benson counseled, “Selfishness is one of the more common faces of pride. ‘How everything affects me’ is the center of all that matters—self-conceit, self-pity, worldly self-fulfillment, self-gratification, and self-seeking… Another face of pride is contention. Arguments, fights unrighteous dominion, generation gaps, divorces, spouse abuse, riots, and disturbances all fall into this category of pride.” In The Seven Principles that Make Marriage Work we read that one of the key principles is to let our partner influence us. I would interpret this to mean that we should be partners in marriage--true equals who each have a voice and a say. We cannot compromise in a marriage if we don’t have respect for points of view that vary from our own. Even the healthiest, happiest of marriages come across moments of disagreement. It’s bound to happen to even the best of us. If we’re willing to divide the control within our marriages, take advice from our partner, and work on our own flaws, we can lay a stronger marital foundation, and more effectively avoid some of those pride traps.

I was very interested in this advice from H. Wallace Goddard. “Any time we feel irritated with our spouses, that irritation is not an invitation to call our spouses to repentance, but an invitation to call ourselves to repent. We are irritated because of our own lack of faith and humility.” Admittedly, this is a bit of a hard pill to swallow yet I am more than willing to take his advice and implement it in my own marriage.  I’m excited and interested to see how I can alter outcomes for the better by considering this opportunity! On the same note, Goddard says, “Appreciating is more powerful than correcting. Appreciation inflates the tires on which we travel. Criticism is a slow leak in those tires.”

I love this counsel from Joseph Smith: “If you would have God have mercy on you, have mercy on your spouse.” I don’t know about you, but I know that I need a pretty hefty dose of God’s mercy. 

 Okay, here’s the cold, hard truth. I’m guilty. In the offense of turning away from my husband, instead of turning toward him, I have been guilty from time to time. The good news is that the judge and jury have been lenient, and have sentenced me to community service, where I can learn to do better­—where I can and have learned to turn toward my husband, and him toward me, as we brave the waters of our marriage together. Raise your hand if you’re with me!

John Gottman explains that in turning toward each other, as opposed to away from each other helps us build a stronger foundation of trust, emotional connection, and passion. In essence, it “funds our emotional bank account.” We are counseled in fiscal matters to not only stay out of debt, but to build a reserve on which we can rely, if necessary. We would be wise to apply this same principal to our emotional accounts. The keys to accomplishing this goal are often in the small and simple things. Our everyday interactions speak volumes about how well we turn towards our spouses. Acknowledging questions, carrying on conversations during meals (Put those phones away!!), offering a helping hand, or calling with the only purpose of saying hello. It’s in these small, intimate moments that we are laying the most stable building blocks of long-lasting friendships and marriages.

Take an extra second to think about how you will respond to a question or a request that may come across as negative, demanding, or angry. Often the response in such an instance can make or break the deal. Turn toward your spouse with a positive reply, the defenses lying down. This is so much easier said than done, and a practice I need much work on. Here again, I have been known to be guilty of throwing up my hackles, focusing on the tone, rather than the message or the plea, as Gottman calls it. Admittedly, I am sure I have been guilty, on occasion, of being less careful with my tone that I know I could be. In frustration it’s easy to start with an “I guess you’re just going to watch me do all this myself?” instead of a “hey, I could sure use a hand here.” The outcome differences from these 2 requests for the same thing can be huge. As can our response to either type of request.

Martha Arnell relates the personal story of going camping with her husband in Alaska, not because it was her ideal vacation, but because she knew her husband dreamed of it, and she loved her husband and wished for his happiness. These opportunities pop up all the time in marriages. True, they aren’t always quite so pronounced, but given the repetitive nature of such occasions can be just as effective. True, it’s not my heart’s desire to see Star Wars, but it IS my heart’s desire to strengthen my marriage, and do things that make my husband happy, and that allow us to spend time together. And in the reciprocal fashion these things tend to play out in, there’s a good chance he’ll be willing to let me pick the movie next time.

John Gottman, in his book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, describes a necessary element of a healthy, happy marriage. He calls it a 'love map,' and describes it as "that part of your brain where you store all the relevant information about your partner's life." He explains that the more detailed our maps-- the more information they contain-- the more reliable they will be in helping us weather the storms of life. Soooo, how do we do this? How do we add points, locations, events, and information to our love maps? The answer is surprisingly easy. We talk!! One of the most simple ways to add detail-- roads, rivers, bridges, and landmarks-- is to spend time in genuine conversation, however simple the conversation may be. What do we know about one another? What are the interests, goals, and favorite music of our spouse? Who are their closest friends, and what changes would they like to see in 5 years? Where did we go on our first date? What were you thinking the morning of our wedding? Do you remember what my dress looked like? The possibilities are endless, and even the most basic of questions can add to the depth of our love map. The details added to our love maps will be a source of strength, stability, and comfort as our lives change course, or we are struck with misfortune or unexpected circumstances.

Fondness: n. Affection or liking for someone or something.

Admiration: n. Respect and warm approval.

Nurture: n. The process of caring for and encouraging the growth of someone or something.

              v. Care for and encourage the growth and development of.

At the heart of our marriage we need friendship, if we wish to have a marriage that is strong. At the heart of friendship we need fondness and admiration, because, as Gottman explains, these attributes are "antidotes to contempt." It is much more difficult for this corrosive horseman to make his way into our marriages if we nurture our relationships, and especially the positive aspects of our relationships, with these preventive measures. Focusing on the positive points of our spouses and our marriages leaves less room for the negative points, which at times can feel overwhelming if we let them sneak in. With reflection on these positive attributes we are cherishing our spouses, and treasuring our marriages. We are nurturing those things that will ultimately help us be successful for the long term.

Assuming we have our detailed love maps, have nurtured our admiration and fondness for our spouses, and cherish them, we should be pretty free from trials in our marriages. Right?? Wishful thinking. H. Wallace Goddard reminds us, "Afflictions are the process which cultivates growth... Since marriage is God's finishing school, we should expect more afflictions or challenges in marriage than in any other area of life... Every day, every hour we decide whether we will continue to sing the song of redeeming love- or whisper in discontent." Let's look at the parable of man with two friends. From each friend he orders one half of a manufactured  home, with no specifications or guidelines, and when the two halves come, though they are both beautiful and unique, they have infinitely different styles and shapes, and do not fit together. It is only with the assistance of a skilled carpenter, and a large degree of effort that these two halves of a house can become one. (H. Wallace Goddard, Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage, pg 38-39) Much like these homes, from different factories and with different styles, we meet in marriage with our spouse who was raised in a different setting, with alternative views from our own, and ideas that may not line up precisely with ours. We must rely on help from Christ, our carpenter, and put in a whole lot of our own elbow grease to make the union of two such different pieces to the puzzle fit and work effectively.

I've heard it said often, and I've seen it come to fruition even more often -- Be friends first. Before there is any semblance of romance, any sign of impending marriage, should we first get to know each other-- our likes, our dreams, our values? I would say yes. And I believe that the research done by John Gottman would back up this hypothesis. In his book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, Gottman describes why this is important when beginning to navigate the waters of a marriage. He describes what he calls 'attunement,' a deep, abiding understanding of one another on a core emotional level. To those who have read the Book of Mormon, we might liken this to the words of Alma in Mosiah 18, telling of those who were "willing to bear one another's burdens that they may be light; yea, and willing to mourn with those that mourn; yea and comfort those that stand in need of comfort." As true disciples of Christ we should be willing to take this into what should be the most important relationship we create-- our marriage. We should become so attuned to our spouse that we feel their pain when they are hurting, share their joy in the truest sense, and magnify their strengths in mortality.

 

We are imperfect beings striving to become more like our Savior every day. H. Wallace Goddard gives this noble claim regarding marriage in his book, Drawing Heaven into your Marriage: "Marriage is God's graduate school for advanced training in Christian character." What better place to learn to become more Christ-like than in our homes, where we see, and are part of not only the best of people, but the worst of people. 

 

Our Savior Jesus Christ was the ultimate example of sacrifice. His suffering, on behalf of each of us and our shortcoming and misdeeds, has no comparison. I would venture a guess that in striving to become more like our Savior we would do well to learn to make sacrifices. Heaven knows there are plenty of opportunities to within the bounds of marriage. We sacrifice things we want at times for a greater good–for the betterment of our families and our spouses.

 

There's no doubt that there are points in every marriage when the only way to weather the storm is on our knees, relying upon our Savior to pull us through with His saving grace. Goddard continues, "There is a quirk to human nature here. Many of us find it easier to minister to the stranger than to the family member. Unexpected service to the stranger is often warmly appreciated. Service to family is often expected and often goes unappreciated." Is this the case in our homes? Do we lack in giving the best of ourselves to those who are most deserving? Let this not be the case! Let us treasure these relationships which deserve our utmost care and understanding! Let us strive every single day to the best friend to our dearest companion! Though the storm clouds may still find their occasional way in, we will be better prepared with our umbrellas of common goals, interests, and aspirations, and our parkas of love for the Savior, and devotion to living His word.

Marriage: An Eternal Commitment

Bruce C. Hafen, author of Covenant Hearts, describes two possibilities for marriage—we can enter into a contract marriage, where we give 50 percent of ourselves, and have the option to walk away when times get tough, or we can commit to a covenant marriage, promising to give 100 percent of ourselves and weather the storms as a team. So, which kind of marriage will we choose, and why?

Hafen goes on to describe three types of trials or wolves that attack and test our marriages. First, he cites natural adversity such as serious medical conditions, or the loss of a child. Second, are our own imperfections. Do we get caught up in fault finding with our spouse, leaving little room for building and nurturing confidence? And third, and the one I find has become the most detrimental in our current society, excessive individualism. The world has become a place of ‘me,’ which we need to replace with the imperative ‘we.’ We are bombarded with messages of self-involvement, and self-importance, and are losing our drive to serve, uplift, and join with others. This is conducive to neither healthy marriages or eternal ones.

 The Family: A Proclamation to the World declares, “Marriage between a man and a woman is ordained of God and that the family is central to the Creator’s plan for the eternal destiny of His children… Marriage between man and woman is essential to His eternal plan.” The words ‘central’ and ‘essential’ jump out, signifying the vital nature of the institution of marriage.  In the 131 section of the Doctrine & Covenants the Lord revealed to the prophet Joseph Smith, “In the celestial glory there are three heavens or degrees; and in order to obtain the highest, a man must enter into this order of the priesthood [meaning the new and everlasting covenant of marriage]; And if he does not, he cannot obtain it. He may enter into the other, but that is the end of his kingdom; he cannot have an increase.” Elder David Bednar explains two reasons why marriage is essential. He states first, “Natures of male and female spirits complete and perfect each other, and therefore men and women are intended to progress together toward exaltation.” And second, “By divine design, both a man and a woman are needed to bring children into mortality and to provide the best setting for the rearing and nurturing of children.”

President Ezra Taft Benson said, “The temple is an ever-present reminder that God intends the family to be eternal. How fitting it is for mothers and fathers to point to the temple and say to their children, ‘That is the place where we were married for eternity.’ By doing so, the ideal of temple marriage can be instilled within the minds and hearts of your children while very young.”

One thought from Elder Bednar struck me as something that I feel I need to improve on. “As men and women, as husbands and wives, and as Church leaders, one of our paramount responsibilities is to help young men and women learn about and prepare for righteous marriage through our personal example… Our children and the youth of the Church will learn the most from what we do and what we are—even if they remember relatively little of what we say.” My convictions regarding the sacred, essential, and eternal nature of marriage are strong. It is my goal going forward that I will better make these beliefs known, both to my own children as well as the youth I work with in my calling. And again in the words of Elder Bednar, “We are ordinary people who must accomplish a most extraordinary work.”

Definition of Marriage

 

We live in a time of change, a time of uncertainty, and a time to stand up for beliefs that we hold dear. Whether our reasons be religious, secular, or some of each, we have a responsibility to uphold them, even amid tireless scrutiny. In the face of current changes in the laws regarding marriage in the United States, this is often easier said than done. Especially for a person like me, who would avoids contention like I would the plague. So the question remains, why are there so many of us who still believe that marriage truly belongs between one man and one woman? It's a hard thing to explain, I don't proclaim to do so eloquently, and though I will express some of the thoughts I have, I hope that I will convey that above all else, my message is in love. In love for those people I do know personally who are affected at a personal level by this issue, as well as in love for those I don't know personally.

A sociologist at Rutgers University, David Popenoe says the following: "The burden of social science evidence supports the idea that gender differentiating parenting is important for human development and the contribution of fathers to child rearing is unique and irreplaceable. We should disavow the notion that mommies can make good daddies just as we should disavow the popular notion that daddies can make good mommies. The two sexes are different to the core and each is necessary wholly, naturally, and biologically for the optimal development of a child."

Study upon study have shown that the ideal setting for raising a child is in a home with both a mother and a father who are married. This doesn't mean that those who are raised in single parent, same-gender parent, or other non-traditional families will turn out to be less than incredible people. There are people from all walks of life who end up on both sides of the line. This simply means that children, on average, fare better when raised with a married mother and father, each bringing their own unique and distinct sexual identity into the raising of a children.

The Defense of Marriage Act of 1996 cited, "At bottom, civil society has an interest in maintaining and protecting the institution of heterosexual marriage because it has a deep and abiding interest in encouraging responsible procreation and child-rearing. Simply put, government has an interest in marriage because it has an interest in children."

A senior research fellow at the Heritage Foundation, Ryan Anderson says this, marriage "unites spouses at all levels of their beings: heart, minds, and bodies, where man and woman form a two-in-one flesh union. It is based on the anthropological truth that men and women are distinct and complementary, on the biological fact that reproduction requires a man and a woman, and on the sociological reality that children benefit from having a mother and a father."

Because I have a deep and abiding belief in the gospel contained within the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, the issue for me is also religious. I do believe that, as stated in the Church's Proclamation on the Family, "marriage between a man and a woman is ordained of God, and that the family is central to the creator's plan for the eternal destiny of His children... The family is ordained of God. Marriage between man and woman is essential to His eternal plan. Children are entitled to birth within the bonds of matrimony, and to be reared by a father and mother who honor marital vows with complete fidelity."

 

Marriage Trends

Let's talk about divorce for a moment. Why, pray tell, is the divorce rate currently so high in the United States, and does it matter? I'll start by saying that indeed, it does matter. It affects us on not only on a personal level, but right on up to society as a whole. So, why has it become so prevalent? Looking around at those I know, I can say with a great deal of confidence that selfishness is takes a great deal of the blame. More and more people are losing sight of what it means to commit to another person, and to put in the time and energy required to make that commitment successful. Often it is easier to walk away than to address the problems, put in the time and effort, and remain faithful to oaths you've made. No doubt, even good marriages are hard at times! You're fooling yourself if you think any marriage doesn't hit a storm every now and then. And looking back, I'm pretty sure no one ever promised that marriage would be rainbows and butterflies 100% of the time.

So, why does it matter outside the personal level? In The State of Our Unions: Marriage in America 2012 we read, "Marriage is not merely a private arrangement; it is also a complex social institution. Marriage helps to unite the needs and desires of couples and the children their unions produce. Because marriage fosters small cooperative unions-- otherwise known as stable families-- it not only enables children to thrive, but also shores up communities, helping family members to succeed during good times and to weather the bad times. Researchers are now finding that the disappearance of marriage in Middle America is tracking with the disappearance of the middle class in the same communities. For example, The Pew Research Center found that from 1971 to 2011, the proportion of middle-income households dropped from 61% to 51%. During the same period, the proportion of middle-income households headed by married couples dropped dramatically, from 74 to 55 percent." (pg 6-7)
This is not just a personal issue, though it is that. Nor is it even just a religious issue, though it is also that. This is an issue that affects us as a society, and one that must be more aggressively addressed. Though there are undoubtedly instances where divorce is the only answer, we must be much more careful in coming to that conclusion. Every effort should be made to ensure that efforts have been exhausted before the decision is made to terminate a marriage.

Dallin H. Oaks stated studies showed that "on average, persons are far more successful in recovering their level of happiness after death of a spouse than after a divorce.... Divorce is not an all-purpose solution, and it often creates long-term heartaches." If this heartache can be avoided don't we owe it to ourselves to do just that? We do. We are worth that.