Can We Solve This?

Every marriage is going to encounter problems from time to time. Every couple will fail to agree on every issue. Each and every one of us needs to learn how to best solve problems, especially within the sacred confines of our marriages.

One of John Gottman’s principles to making marriage work focuses on this very topic. He says we must solve our solvable problems. He advises five steps to doing just that. Let’s walk through them together.

1.     Soften your startup. Approach a source of conflict calmly and optimistically, and share responsibility in the situation. Express specifically how you feel and what you need.

2.     Learn to make and receive repair attempts. Try to see past the tone and listen to the messages your partner is sending.

3.     Soothe yourself and each other. If you’re feeling overwhelmed, upset, or angry, take a break! Relax! Give yourselves time to calm down before starting the conversation again.

4.     Compromise. You’ll never get anywhere if you don’t learn to compromise on some issues. Try to see and understand things from your partner’s point of view, and step back to look at what is truly of utmost importance to you.

5.     Process any grievances so they don’t linger. “If emotional injuries aren’t addressed, they tend to become constant irritants—like a stone in your shoe that you keep walking on.”

                                                                                      (The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work)

No doubt getting into this habit will take time. Trying to use positive, optimistic approaches when every fiber of your being feels like it wants to shout will take practice and repetition. And doing this isn’t going to take your problems away, but it will give you necessary resources to combat problems that do arise.

Along the lines of conflict resolution and compromise in a marriage we would do well to look at how consecration ties into marriage. I’m sure we’ve all heard the saying, ‘Marriage isn’t 50/50. Marriage is 100/100.’ This couldn’t be more true, and goes hand in hand with this idea of consecration. Most of us think of financial and other assets when we think of the law of consecration, however we would do well to view it within the realm of emotions, time, affection, talents, etc. within a marriage. H. Wallace Goddard states, “Consecration is a covenant that moves us from asking how we can get our needs met to asking how we can bless and serve.” A thriving marriage requires that we are actively giving our all, without focus on our own desires and needs being met. However, in true irony, this is the best way to have our needs met.

He further counsels, “Consecration has everything to do with marriage. It is acting to redeem our partners and our covenants with everything we have and everything we may draw from Heaven. We do all of this in order to establish Zion in our own homes. No partner on the face of the earth can meet all our needs. In mortality we will live with disappointment. We can dwell on our discontent or we can celebrate the points of connection.”

How much are we willing to give? Are we truly committed to giving our all? Are we committed to giving our all softly, calmly, and without keeping score?