Overcoming Gridlock

 

Envision the word 'gridlock' in your mind. What are you picturing? A traffic jam, presumably? 

If that's what you're thinking of, you'd be right. Gridlock: (noun) The stoppage of free vehicular 

movement in an urban area because key intersections are blocked by traffic. However, let's go 

beyond this meaning. We also read: any situation in which nothing can move or proceed in any 

direction. Can this happen in our marriages or relationships? You bet it can! Whether it's our 

stubborn nature, a lack of understand, or even the refusal to give up on a dream or a value, there 

are times when we stand with a strong refusal to compromise. We get the idea in our heads that 

we MUST solve this problem-- our partner MUST concede, because we sure aren't going to, and 

we can't move past it until they do. John Gottman would argue that this isn't the case. He believes 

that "we don't have to solve the problem to get past the gridlock. Neither party must 'give in' or 

'lose.' The goal is to be able to acknowledge and discuss the issue without hurting each other. 

(The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work)

He goes on to explain that gridlock is a sign that you have dreams that haven't been acknowledged, 

your partner isn't aware of, or that aren't respected. "In satisfying relationships, partners incorporate 

each others goals into their concept of what marriage is about." Honoring a partner's dream can 

happen on three levels, according to Gottman. The first level is simple expressing understanding and 

a desire to learn more. The second is actively enabling the dream for your partner, and third, becoming 

a part of the dream along with your partner. You have have been struggling with gridlock for months or 

even years about a particular conflict that could have been alleviated with a simple acknowledgement 

of understanding!! Perhaps it's time to take a step outside the car and make note of the available routes 

you have to get out of that traffic jam.

So there has to be a way to go about this. Right? Continuing with Gottman's findings, there is a process.

1. Explore your dream(s).

2. Sooth.

3. Reach a temporary compromise.

4. Say thank you!

As usual, I would surmise that this is all easier said than done. However, would you prefer sitting in your 

hot car, no plausible escape in sight, hungry, and with places to be, or would you rather find a way out? 

Get back to your life and the things you value? I think the majority of us would agree on the more 

appealing option.

Gottman sums it up with a little bit of wise advice. If we work on our marriages a little extra every day, 

there is no need for a major overhaul. It's as simple as a kiss upon reuniting after a day apart, a date 

night once a week to reconnect and enjoy each other, and showing each other some added appreciation.

Add these up, and in as little as six hours a week you can fortify your marriage and avoid the nightmare 

of a gridlocked relationship.