In-Law Relationships

There is something inherently scary about in-law relationships. I never really understood that growing up, because my mom got along with my dad’s side of the family swimmingly, and my dad did the same with his in-laws. I really figured that they were the norm. But then my brother got married, and though I never knew the full scope, I saw glimpses, and he once told me “think hard about who you marry because you marry their family too.” Still, I thought it was just kind of a cliché. And then 13 years ago, I got married….. I caught a few glimpses of the differences between my family and my husband’s, but honestly it took quite a while before the full magnitude of that sunk in. And it took quite a while longer before we found a decent balance with which we could work.

Boundaries must be drawn. Advice must be taken with a grain (or two) of salt. Positive attributes must be considered in creating a new family together, and those negative experiences from childhood must be utilized as tools to help you avoid mistakes with your own spouse and children. Going into a marriage with the understanding that your two backgrounds are different, and a desire to accept those differences and use them to build your own background will strengthen the marital bond, and help increase your understand of your partner.

Gloria Horsley gives some pointers on what she recommends parents-in-law should avoid in helping create a harmonious relationship.
-Giving advice
-Criticizing
-Pinning down children-in-law about specific reasons for missing events
-Trying to control anyone and everything including a child’s beliefs
-Unclear and indirect communication
-Criticism or taking over the discipline of grandchildren

Having either seen or experienced first hand each and every one of these, I second this advice.

It’s an adjustment to get married, and mesh two separate and distinct lives into one, and though I’m not to the stage yet, I would venture a guess that it’s also hard to let go of that parental role when a child gets married, and take on an entirely new role as a parent-in-law. I’m by no means in a rush to get to that stage of the game, but hopefully when I do I will be well enough prepared to avoid the bigger mistakes. My boys are all mama’s boys, so I’d appreciate any wishes of luck you might send my way.