Okay, here’s the cold, hard truth. I’m guilty. In the offense of turning away from my husband, instead of turning toward him, I have been guilty from time to time. The good news is that the judge and jury have been lenient, and have sentenced me to community service, where I can learn to do better­—where I can and have learned to turn toward my husband, and him toward me, as we brave the waters of our marriage together. Raise your hand if you’re with me!

John Gottman explains that in turning toward each other, as opposed to away from each other helps us build a stronger foundation of trust, emotional connection, and passion. In essence, it “funds our emotional bank account.” We are counseled in fiscal matters to not only stay out of debt, but to build a reserve on which we can rely, if necessary. We would be wise to apply this same principal to our emotional accounts. The keys to accomplishing this goal are often in the small and simple things. Our everyday interactions speak volumes about how well we turn towards our spouses. Acknowledging questions, carrying on conversations during meals (Put those phones away!!), offering a helping hand, or calling with the only purpose of saying hello. It’s in these small, intimate moments that we are laying the most stable building blocks of long-lasting friendships and marriages.

Take an extra second to think about how you will respond to a question or a request that may come across as negative, demanding, or angry. Often the response in such an instance can make or break the deal. Turn toward your spouse with a positive reply, the defenses lying down. This is so much easier said than done, and a practice I need much work on. Here again, I have been known to be guilty of throwing up my hackles, focusing on the tone, rather than the message or the plea, as Gottman calls it. Admittedly, I am sure I have been guilty, on occasion, of being less careful with my tone that I know I could be. In frustration it’s easy to start with an “I guess you’re just going to watch me do all this myself?” instead of a “hey, I could sure use a hand here.” The outcome differences from these 2 requests for the same thing can be huge. As can our response to either type of request.

Martha Arnell relates the personal story of going camping with her husband in Alaska, not because it was her ideal vacation, but because she knew her husband dreamed of it, and she loved her husband and wished for his happiness. These opportunities pop up all the time in marriages. True, they aren’t always quite so pronounced, but given the repetitive nature of such occasions can be just as effective. True, it’s not my heart’s desire to see Star Wars, but it IS my heart’s desire to strengthen my marriage, and do things that make my husband happy, and that allow us to spend time together. And in the reciprocal fashion these things tend to play out in, there’s a good chance he’ll be willing to let me pick the movie next time.