John Gottman, in his book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, describes a necessary element of a healthy, happy marriage. He calls it a 'love map,' and describes it as "that part of your brain where you store all the relevant information about your partner's life." He explains that the more detailed our maps-- the more information they contain-- the more reliable they will be in helping us weather the storms of life. Soooo, how do we do this? How do we add points, locations, events, and information to our love maps? The answer is surprisingly easy. We talk!! One of the most simple ways to add detail-- roads, rivers, bridges, and landmarks-- is to spend time in genuine conversation, however simple the conversation may be. What do we know about one another? What are the interests, goals, and favorite music of our spouse? Who are their closest friends, and what changes would they like to see in 5 years? Where did we go on our first date? What were you thinking the morning of our wedding? Do you remember what my dress looked like? The possibilities are endless, and even the most basic of questions can add to the depth of our love map. The details added to our love maps will be a source of strength, stability, and comfort as our lives change course, or we are struck with misfortune or unexpected circumstances.

Fondness: n. Affection or liking for someone or something.

Admiration: n. Respect and warm approval.

Nurture: n. The process of caring for and encouraging the growth of someone or something.

              v. Care for and encourage the growth and development of.

At the heart of our marriage we need friendship, if we wish to have a marriage that is strong. At the heart of friendship we need fondness and admiration, because, as Gottman explains, these attributes are "antidotes to contempt." It is much more difficult for this corrosive horseman to make his way into our marriages if we nurture our relationships, and especially the positive aspects of our relationships, with these preventive measures. Focusing on the positive points of our spouses and our marriages leaves less room for the negative points, which at times can feel overwhelming if we let them sneak in. With reflection on these positive attributes we are cherishing our spouses, and treasuring our marriages. We are nurturing those things that will ultimately help us be successful for the long term.

Assuming we have our detailed love maps, have nurtured our admiration and fondness for our spouses, and cherish them, we should be pretty free from trials in our marriages. Right?? Wishful thinking. H. Wallace Goddard reminds us, "Afflictions are the process which cultivates growth... Since marriage is God's finishing school, we should expect more afflictions or challenges in marriage than in any other area of life... Every day, every hour we decide whether we will continue to sing the song of redeeming love- or whisper in discontent." Let's look at the parable of man with two friends. From each friend he orders one half of a manufactured  home, with no specifications or guidelines, and when the two halves come, though they are both beautiful and unique, they have infinitely different styles and shapes, and do not fit together. It is only with the assistance of a skilled carpenter, and a large degree of effort that these two halves of a house can become one. (H. Wallace Goddard, Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage, pg 38-39) Much like these homes, from different factories and with different styles, we meet in marriage with our spouse who was raised in a different setting, with alternative views from our own, and ideas that may not line up precisely with ours. We must rely on help from Christ, our carpenter, and put in a whole lot of our own elbow grease to make the union of two such different pieces to the puzzle fit and work effectively.