In-Law Relationships

There is something inherently scary about in-law relationships. I never really understood that growing up, because my mom got along with my dad’s side of the family swimmingly, and my dad did the same with his in-laws. I really figured that they were the norm. But then my brother got married, and though I never knew the full scope, I saw glimpses, and he once told me “think hard about who you marry because you marry their family too.” Still, I thought it was just kind of a cliché. And then 13 years ago, I got married….. I caught a few glimpses of the differences between my family and my husband’s, but honestly it took quite a while before the full magnitude of that sunk in. And it took quite a while longer before we found a decent balance with which we could work.

Boundaries must be drawn. Advice must be taken with a grain (or two) of salt. Positive attributes must be considered in creating a new family together, and those negative experiences from childhood must be utilized as tools to help you avoid mistakes with your own spouse and children. Going into a marriage with the understanding that your two backgrounds are different, and a desire to accept those differences and use them to build your own background will strengthen the marital bond, and help increase your understand of your partner.

Gloria Horsley gives some pointers on what she recommends parents-in-law should avoid in helping create a harmonious relationship.
-Giving advice
-Criticizing
-Pinning down children-in-law about specific reasons for missing events
-Trying to control anyone and everything including a child’s beliefs
-Unclear and indirect communication
-Criticism or taking over the discipline of grandchildren

Having either seen or experienced first hand each and every one of these, I second this advice.

It’s an adjustment to get married, and mesh two separate and distinct lives into one, and though I’m not to the stage yet, I would venture a guess that it’s also hard to let go of that parental role when a child gets married, and take on an entirely new role as a parent-in-law. I’m by no means in a rush to get to that stage of the game, but hopefully when I do I will be well enough prepared to avoid the bigger mistakes. My boys are all mama’s boys, so I’d appreciate any wishes of luck you might send my way.

Let's be honest-- Some days in the world of parenting feel like a power struggle. I have learned along the way that you just have to pick your battles. If my son wants to wear his super hero cape to the grocery store, I can live with that. Avoiding the struggle of getting him to leave it behind is not worth it, because it really doesn't matter in the long run. If only all the battles were that easy. Parenting is truly an amazing experience for me. One for which I am incredibly grateful, and which brings me more happiness and blessings than I could ever have dreamed of, but which is also tough some days! But you know what they say-- nothing worth having comes easy. So, how do we find that balance in our families? The following tips from Brother Richard B. Miller, of BYU can lend some great direction into figuring that out.

1. Parents are the leaders in the family. Appropriate discipline is necessary, as it shows love and respect. Some democracy within the family is great, however the parents are the leaders and make decisions that are best for the family.
2. Parents must be united in leadership. Ideally, parents should discuss issues without children present and come to a mutual conclusion before involving children. They should be on the same page so as to not undermine one another as decisions are made.
3. Parent/ Child hierarchy dissolves when children become adults. 
4. The marital relationship should be a partnership. Parents should be equal partners within a marriage, each contributing their unique and important portions to the relationship and the family dynamic. One spouse should not dictate or rule over the family, but alongside their partner in love and mutual respect.

(Who is the Boss? Power Relationships in Families)

Figuring these balances out will give us a huge advantage in raising our children with a positive view of respect, power, and leadership. It's been said that our kids may not remember what we say, but they will remember what we do. Our example shines far brighter than our words, and being a team as parents will be of great worth in setting those examples we long for our children to remember. And let us never forget the the third partner in our marriage is our Father in Heaven, and he has quite a bit invested in His children as well, and wants to see them succeed, just as we do. He will be of great worth to us as we wind our way through this crazy journey of parenthood.

The family I grew up in was not incredibly open in what we comfortably discussed. So, you can imagine sexual matters—completely out of the question. I know I’m not alone in feeling a bit lost after getting married, when suddenly these things that had been off limits for so long were now totally acceptable. These feelings are obviously a lot more commonplace than we’d like to think, as the apostles and even prophets of the Church have felt it necessary to speak up in this regard.

Hugh B. Brown said, “Thousands of young people come to the marriage altar almost illiterate insofar as this basic and fundamental function is concerned. The sex instinct is not something we need to fear or be ashamed of. It is God-given and has a high and holy purpose. We want our young people to know that sex is not an unmentionable human misfortune, and it certainly should not be regarded as a sordid but necessary part of marriage. There is no excuse for approaching this most intimate relationship in life without true knowledge of its meaning and its high purpose.”

There might be misconception that because it is sacred it is secret. This isn’t the case! Though it should be held in the highest regard, and reserved for conversation between those covenanted in marriage, and possibly with a bishop or other counselor, it can and should be openly communicated. This is the way we will grow closer together, and use this God-given tool to strengthen our marriages.

Parley P Pratt: “The fact is, God made man, male and female; He planted in their bosoms those affections which are calculated to promote their happiness and union. As husbands and wives learn to give of themselves and  to understand each others’ needs and desires, these affections will grow until the do indeed promote their happiness and union.

One huge aspect of marriage alongside sexual relations is fidelity. I know the thing that instantly pops into our minds when we think of infidelity is a sexual affair. We need to know, however, that infidelity generally starts long before anything sexual crosses anyone’s mind.  Kenneth W. Matheson said, “Fidelity includes refraining from physical contact- but that is not all. Fidelity also means complete commitment, trust, and respect between husband and wife.” More that just physical, fidelity is emotional, spiritual, and marital. A covenant between husband and wife is a contract to give your whole heart to that person. If you have committed to this, there is no portion of your heart left to give to anyone outside your marriage.

As with other aspects of life, it is best if we avoid the very appearance of evil. This is a huge area in which keeping your distance from the edge of the cliff is not only wise, it’s imperative. H. Wallace Goddard taught the following steps in preventing fidelity and maintaining our purity.

1.     Do not allow seeds of lust to germinate.

2.     Never make excuses to spend time alone with a person of the opposite sex who is not your spouse.

3.     Take responsibility for the messages you give.

4.     Do not allow your heart to dwell on anyone.

5.     If you continue to make excuses to continue the relationship you are addicted. Get help.

6.     Spend more enjoyable time with your spouse.

7.     Renew your spiritual efforts. Pray, study your scriptures, fill the empty places with service and love for your family.

8.     Don’t set yourself up for failure. Avoiding is better than resisting.

9.     Keep your soul free of soul-numbing barrenness of pornography.

10. Celebrate the sweet gifts of companionship.

Some of the strongest, most faithful people can become deceived and trapped by Satan’s snares if they aren’t careful. The thought that ‘it could never happen to me’ cannot apply here. We must be ever aware and diligent in nurturing our marriages and the love we have for our partners. This isn’t always a given, and just like anything worth having, a good marriage takes effort and consideration.

Overcoming Gridlock

 

Envision the word 'gridlock' in your mind. What are you picturing? A traffic jam, presumably? 

If that's what you're thinking of, you'd be right. Gridlock: (noun) The stoppage of free vehicular 

movement in an urban area because key intersections are blocked by traffic. However, let's go 

beyond this meaning. We also read: any situation in which nothing can move or proceed in any 

direction. Can this happen in our marriages or relationships? You bet it can! Whether it's our 

stubborn nature, a lack of understand, or even the refusal to give up on a dream or a value, there 

are times when we stand with a strong refusal to compromise. We get the idea in our heads that 

we MUST solve this problem-- our partner MUST concede, because we sure aren't going to, and 

we can't move past it until they do. John Gottman would argue that this isn't the case. He believes 

that "we don't have to solve the problem to get past the gridlock. Neither party must 'give in' or 

'lose.' The goal is to be able to acknowledge and discuss the issue without hurting each other. 

(The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work)

He goes on to explain that gridlock is a sign that you have dreams that haven't been acknowledged, 

your partner isn't aware of, or that aren't respected. "In satisfying relationships, partners incorporate 

each others goals into their concept of what marriage is about." Honoring a partner's dream can 

happen on three levels, according to Gottman. The first level is simple expressing understanding and 

a desire to learn more. The second is actively enabling the dream for your partner, and third, becoming 

a part of the dream along with your partner. You have have been struggling with gridlock for months or 

even years about a particular conflict that could have been alleviated with a simple acknowledgement 

of understanding!! Perhaps it's time to take a step outside the car and make note of the available routes 

you have to get out of that traffic jam.

So there has to be a way to go about this. Right? Continuing with Gottman's findings, there is a process.

1. Explore your dream(s).

2. Sooth.

3. Reach a temporary compromise.

4. Say thank you!

As usual, I would surmise that this is all easier said than done. However, would you prefer sitting in your 

hot car, no plausible escape in sight, hungry, and with places to be, or would you rather find a way out? 

Get back to your life and the things you value? I think the majority of us would agree on the more 

appealing option.

Gottman sums it up with a little bit of wise advice. If we work on our marriages a little extra every day, 

there is no need for a major overhaul. It's as simple as a kiss upon reuniting after a day apart, a date 

night once a week to reconnect and enjoy each other, and showing each other some added appreciation.

Add these up, and in as little as six hours a week you can fortify your marriage and avoid the nightmare 

of a gridlocked relationship.

Can We Solve This?

Every marriage is going to encounter problems from time to time. Every couple will fail to agree on every issue. Each and every one of us needs to learn how to best solve problems, especially within the sacred confines of our marriages.

One of John Gottman’s principles to making marriage work focuses on this very topic. He says we must solve our solvable problems. He advises five steps to doing just that. Let’s walk through them together.

1.     Soften your startup. Approach a source of conflict calmly and optimistically, and share responsibility in the situation. Express specifically how you feel and what you need.

2.     Learn to make and receive repair attempts. Try to see past the tone and listen to the messages your partner is sending.

3.     Soothe yourself and each other. If you’re feeling overwhelmed, upset, or angry, take a break! Relax! Give yourselves time to calm down before starting the conversation again.

4.     Compromise. You’ll never get anywhere if you don’t learn to compromise on some issues. Try to see and understand things from your partner’s point of view, and step back to look at what is truly of utmost importance to you.

5.     Process any grievances so they don’t linger. “If emotional injuries aren’t addressed, they tend to become constant irritants—like a stone in your shoe that you keep walking on.”

                                                                                      (The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work)

No doubt getting into this habit will take time. Trying to use positive, optimistic approaches when every fiber of your being feels like it wants to shout will take practice and repetition. And doing this isn’t going to take your problems away, but it will give you necessary resources to combat problems that do arise.

Along the lines of conflict resolution and compromise in a marriage we would do well to look at how consecration ties into marriage. I’m sure we’ve all heard the saying, ‘Marriage isn’t 50/50. Marriage is 100/100.’ This couldn’t be more true, and goes hand in hand with this idea of consecration. Most of us think of financial and other assets when we think of the law of consecration, however we would do well to view it within the realm of emotions, time, affection, talents, etc. within a marriage. H. Wallace Goddard states, “Consecration is a covenant that moves us from asking how we can get our needs met to asking how we can bless and serve.” A thriving marriage requires that we are actively giving our all, without focus on our own desires and needs being met. However, in true irony, this is the best way to have our needs met.

He further counsels, “Consecration has everything to do with marriage. It is acting to redeem our partners and our covenants with everything we have and everything we may draw from Heaven. We do all of this in order to establish Zion in our own homes. No partner on the face of the earth can meet all our needs. In mortality we will live with disappointment. We can dwell on our discontent or we can celebrate the points of connection.”

How much are we willing to give? Are we truly committed to giving our all? Are we committed to giving our all softly, calmly, and without keeping score?

Pride Cometh Before the Fall

“The natural man is inclined to love himself and fix others. God has asked us to do the opposite. We are to fix ourselves by repenting, and to love others.” (H. Wallace Goddard) Take a moment to reflect on this insight. Do you find this to be true in your life? Do you see others as those who need fixing, yet rarely look at how to improve your own flaws? In becoming true partners working toward eternal salvation, do we listen to our spouses, take their opinions into consideration, and choose the ‘us’ over the ‘me’?

It is interesting to consider the various ways in which pride sneaks into our lives and into our marriages, without us even recognizing it for what it is. What are some of the ways which pride manifests itself that might slip past us? President Benson counseled, “Selfishness is one of the more common faces of pride. ‘How everything affects me’ is the center of all that matters—self-conceit, self-pity, worldly self-fulfillment, self-gratification, and self-seeking… Another face of pride is contention. Arguments, fights unrighteous dominion, generation gaps, divorces, spouse abuse, riots, and disturbances all fall into this category of pride.” In The Seven Principles that Make Marriage Work we read that one of the key principles is to let our partner influence us. I would interpret this to mean that we should be partners in marriage--true equals who each have a voice and a say. We cannot compromise in a marriage if we don’t have respect for points of view that vary from our own. Even the healthiest, happiest of marriages come across moments of disagreement. It’s bound to happen to even the best of us. If we’re willing to divide the control within our marriages, take advice from our partner, and work on our own flaws, we can lay a stronger marital foundation, and more effectively avoid some of those pride traps.

I was very interested in this advice from H. Wallace Goddard. “Any time we feel irritated with our spouses, that irritation is not an invitation to call our spouses to repentance, but an invitation to call ourselves to repent. We are irritated because of our own lack of faith and humility.” Admittedly, this is a bit of a hard pill to swallow yet I am more than willing to take his advice and implement it in my own marriage.  I’m excited and interested to see how I can alter outcomes for the better by considering this opportunity! On the same note, Goddard says, “Appreciating is more powerful than correcting. Appreciation inflates the tires on which we travel. Criticism is a slow leak in those tires.”

I love this counsel from Joseph Smith: “If you would have God have mercy on you, have mercy on your spouse.” I don’t know about you, but I know that I need a pretty hefty dose of God’s mercy. 

 Okay, here’s the cold, hard truth. I’m guilty. In the offense of turning away from my husband, instead of turning toward him, I have been guilty from time to time. The good news is that the judge and jury have been lenient, and have sentenced me to community service, where I can learn to do better­—where I can and have learned to turn toward my husband, and him toward me, as we brave the waters of our marriage together. Raise your hand if you’re with me!

John Gottman explains that in turning toward each other, as opposed to away from each other helps us build a stronger foundation of trust, emotional connection, and passion. In essence, it “funds our emotional bank account.” We are counseled in fiscal matters to not only stay out of debt, but to build a reserve on which we can rely, if necessary. We would be wise to apply this same principal to our emotional accounts. The keys to accomplishing this goal are often in the small and simple things. Our everyday interactions speak volumes about how well we turn towards our spouses. Acknowledging questions, carrying on conversations during meals (Put those phones away!!), offering a helping hand, or calling with the only purpose of saying hello. It’s in these small, intimate moments that we are laying the most stable building blocks of long-lasting friendships and marriages.

Take an extra second to think about how you will respond to a question or a request that may come across as negative, demanding, or angry. Often the response in such an instance can make or break the deal. Turn toward your spouse with a positive reply, the defenses lying down. This is so much easier said than done, and a practice I need much work on. Here again, I have been known to be guilty of throwing up my hackles, focusing on the tone, rather than the message or the plea, as Gottman calls it. Admittedly, I am sure I have been guilty, on occasion, of being less careful with my tone that I know I could be. In frustration it’s easy to start with an “I guess you’re just going to watch me do all this myself?” instead of a “hey, I could sure use a hand here.” The outcome differences from these 2 requests for the same thing can be huge. As can our response to either type of request.

Martha Arnell relates the personal story of going camping with her husband in Alaska, not because it was her ideal vacation, but because she knew her husband dreamed of it, and she loved her husband and wished for his happiness. These opportunities pop up all the time in marriages. True, they aren’t always quite so pronounced, but given the repetitive nature of such occasions can be just as effective. True, it’s not my heart’s desire to see Star Wars, but it IS my heart’s desire to strengthen my marriage, and do things that make my husband happy, and that allow us to spend time together. And in the reciprocal fashion these things tend to play out in, there’s a good chance he’ll be willing to let me pick the movie next time.