Pride Cometh Before the Fall

“The natural man is inclined to love himself and fix others. God has asked us to do the opposite. We are to fix ourselves by repenting, and to love others.” (H. Wallace Goddard) Take a moment to reflect on this insight. Do you find this to be true in your life? Do you see others as those who need fixing, yet rarely look at how to improve your own flaws? In becoming true partners working toward eternal salvation, do we listen to our spouses, take their opinions into consideration, and choose the ‘us’ over the ‘me’?

It is interesting to consider the various ways in which pride sneaks into our lives and into our marriages, without us even recognizing it for what it is. What are some of the ways which pride manifests itself that might slip past us? President Benson counseled, “Selfishness is one of the more common faces of pride. ‘How everything affects me’ is the center of all that matters—self-conceit, self-pity, worldly self-fulfillment, self-gratification, and self-seeking… Another face of pride is contention. Arguments, fights unrighteous dominion, generation gaps, divorces, spouse abuse, riots, and disturbances all fall into this category of pride.” In The Seven Principles that Make Marriage Work we read that one of the key principles is to let our partner influence us. I would interpret this to mean that we should be partners in marriage--true equals who each have a voice and a say. We cannot compromise in a marriage if we don’t have respect for points of view that vary from our own. Even the healthiest, happiest of marriages come across moments of disagreement. It’s bound to happen to even the best of us. If we’re willing to divide the control within our marriages, take advice from our partner, and work on our own flaws, we can lay a stronger marital foundation, and more effectively avoid some of those pride traps.

I was very interested in this advice from H. Wallace Goddard. “Any time we feel irritated with our spouses, that irritation is not an invitation to call our spouses to repentance, but an invitation to call ourselves to repent. We are irritated because of our own lack of faith and humility.” Admittedly, this is a bit of a hard pill to swallow yet I am more than willing to take his advice and implement it in my own marriage.  I’m excited and interested to see how I can alter outcomes for the better by considering this opportunity! On the same note, Goddard says, “Appreciating is more powerful than correcting. Appreciation inflates the tires on which we travel. Criticism is a slow leak in those tires.”

I love this counsel from Joseph Smith: “If you would have God have mercy on you, have mercy on your spouse.” I don’t know about you, but I know that I need a pretty hefty dose of God’s mercy. 

 Okay, here’s the cold, hard truth. I’m guilty. In the offense of turning away from my husband, instead of turning toward him, I have been guilty from time to time. The good news is that the judge and jury have been lenient, and have sentenced me to community service, where I can learn to do better­—where I can and have learned to turn toward my husband, and him toward me, as we brave the waters of our marriage together. Raise your hand if you’re with me!

John Gottman explains that in turning toward each other, as opposed to away from each other helps us build a stronger foundation of trust, emotional connection, and passion. In essence, it “funds our emotional bank account.” We are counseled in fiscal matters to not only stay out of debt, but to build a reserve on which we can rely, if necessary. We would be wise to apply this same principal to our emotional accounts. The keys to accomplishing this goal are often in the small and simple things. Our everyday interactions speak volumes about how well we turn towards our spouses. Acknowledging questions, carrying on conversations during meals (Put those phones away!!), offering a helping hand, or calling with the only purpose of saying hello. It’s in these small, intimate moments that we are laying the most stable building blocks of long-lasting friendships and marriages.

Take an extra second to think about how you will respond to a question or a request that may come across as negative, demanding, or angry. Often the response in such an instance can make or break the deal. Turn toward your spouse with a positive reply, the defenses lying down. This is so much easier said than done, and a practice I need much work on. Here again, I have been known to be guilty of throwing up my hackles, focusing on the tone, rather than the message or the plea, as Gottman calls it. Admittedly, I am sure I have been guilty, on occasion, of being less careful with my tone that I know I could be. In frustration it’s easy to start with an “I guess you’re just going to watch me do all this myself?” instead of a “hey, I could sure use a hand here.” The outcome differences from these 2 requests for the same thing can be huge. As can our response to either type of request.

Martha Arnell relates the personal story of going camping with her husband in Alaska, not because it was her ideal vacation, but because she knew her husband dreamed of it, and she loved her husband and wished for his happiness. These opportunities pop up all the time in marriages. True, they aren’t always quite so pronounced, but given the repetitive nature of such occasions can be just as effective. True, it’s not my heart’s desire to see Star Wars, but it IS my heart’s desire to strengthen my marriage, and do things that make my husband happy, and that allow us to spend time together. And in the reciprocal fashion these things tend to play out in, there’s a good chance he’ll be willing to let me pick the movie next time.

John Gottman, in his book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, describes a necessary element of a healthy, happy marriage. He calls it a 'love map,' and describes it as "that part of your brain where you store all the relevant information about your partner's life." He explains that the more detailed our maps-- the more information they contain-- the more reliable they will be in helping us weather the storms of life. Soooo, how do we do this? How do we add points, locations, events, and information to our love maps? The answer is surprisingly easy. We talk!! One of the most simple ways to add detail-- roads, rivers, bridges, and landmarks-- is to spend time in genuine conversation, however simple the conversation may be. What do we know about one another? What are the interests, goals, and favorite music of our spouse? Who are their closest friends, and what changes would they like to see in 5 years? Where did we go on our first date? What were you thinking the morning of our wedding? Do you remember what my dress looked like? The possibilities are endless, and even the most basic of questions can add to the depth of our love map. The details added to our love maps will be a source of strength, stability, and comfort as our lives change course, or we are struck with misfortune or unexpected circumstances.

Fondness: n. Affection or liking for someone or something.

Admiration: n. Respect and warm approval.

Nurture: n. The process of caring for and encouraging the growth of someone or something.

              v. Care for and encourage the growth and development of.

At the heart of our marriage we need friendship, if we wish to have a marriage that is strong. At the heart of friendship we need fondness and admiration, because, as Gottman explains, these attributes are "antidotes to contempt." It is much more difficult for this corrosive horseman to make his way into our marriages if we nurture our relationships, and especially the positive aspects of our relationships, with these preventive measures. Focusing on the positive points of our spouses and our marriages leaves less room for the negative points, which at times can feel overwhelming if we let them sneak in. With reflection on these positive attributes we are cherishing our spouses, and treasuring our marriages. We are nurturing those things that will ultimately help us be successful for the long term.

Assuming we have our detailed love maps, have nurtured our admiration and fondness for our spouses, and cherish them, we should be pretty free from trials in our marriages. Right?? Wishful thinking. H. Wallace Goddard reminds us, "Afflictions are the process which cultivates growth... Since marriage is God's finishing school, we should expect more afflictions or challenges in marriage than in any other area of life... Every day, every hour we decide whether we will continue to sing the song of redeeming love- or whisper in discontent." Let's look at the parable of man with two friends. From each friend he orders one half of a manufactured  home, with no specifications or guidelines, and when the two halves come, though they are both beautiful and unique, they have infinitely different styles and shapes, and do not fit together. It is only with the assistance of a skilled carpenter, and a large degree of effort that these two halves of a house can become one. (H. Wallace Goddard, Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage, pg 38-39) Much like these homes, from different factories and with different styles, we meet in marriage with our spouse who was raised in a different setting, with alternative views from our own, and ideas that may not line up precisely with ours. We must rely on help from Christ, our carpenter, and put in a whole lot of our own elbow grease to make the union of two such different pieces to the puzzle fit and work effectively.

I've heard it said often, and I've seen it come to fruition even more often -- Be friends first. Before there is any semblance of romance, any sign of impending marriage, should we first get to know each other-- our likes, our dreams, our values? I would say yes. And I believe that the research done by John Gottman would back up this hypothesis. In his book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, Gottman describes why this is important when beginning to navigate the waters of a marriage. He describes what he calls 'attunement,' a deep, abiding understanding of one another on a core emotional level. To those who have read the Book of Mormon, we might liken this to the words of Alma in Mosiah 18, telling of those who were "willing to bear one another's burdens that they may be light; yea, and willing to mourn with those that mourn; yea and comfort those that stand in need of comfort." As true disciples of Christ we should be willing to take this into what should be the most important relationship we create-- our marriage. We should become so attuned to our spouse that we feel their pain when they are hurting, share their joy in the truest sense, and magnify their strengths in mortality.

 

We are imperfect beings striving to become more like our Savior every day. H. Wallace Goddard gives this noble claim regarding marriage in his book, Drawing Heaven into your Marriage: "Marriage is God's graduate school for advanced training in Christian character." What better place to learn to become more Christ-like than in our homes, where we see, and are part of not only the best of people, but the worst of people. 

 

Our Savior Jesus Christ was the ultimate example of sacrifice. His suffering, on behalf of each of us and our shortcoming and misdeeds, has no comparison. I would venture a guess that in striving to become more like our Savior we would do well to learn to make sacrifices. Heaven knows there are plenty of opportunities to within the bounds of marriage. We sacrifice things we want at times for a greater good–for the betterment of our families and our spouses.

 

There's no doubt that there are points in every marriage when the only way to weather the storm is on our knees, relying upon our Savior to pull us through with His saving grace. Goddard continues, "There is a quirk to human nature here. Many of us find it easier to minister to the stranger than to the family member. Unexpected service to the stranger is often warmly appreciated. Service to family is often expected and often goes unappreciated." Is this the case in our homes? Do we lack in giving the best of ourselves to those who are most deserving? Let this not be the case! Let us treasure these relationships which deserve our utmost care and understanding! Let us strive every single day to the best friend to our dearest companion! Though the storm clouds may still find their occasional way in, we will be better prepared with our umbrellas of common goals, interests, and aspirations, and our parkas of love for the Savior, and devotion to living His word.