Marriage: An Eternal Commitment

Bruce C. Hafen, author of Covenant Hearts, describes two possibilities for marriage—we can enter into a contract marriage, where we give 50 percent of ourselves, and have the option to walk away when times get tough, or we can commit to a covenant marriage, promising to give 100 percent of ourselves and weather the storms as a team. So, which kind of marriage will we choose, and why?

Hafen goes on to describe three types of trials or wolves that attack and test our marriages. First, he cites natural adversity such as serious medical conditions, or the loss of a child. Second, are our own imperfections. Do we get caught up in fault finding with our spouse, leaving little room for building and nurturing confidence? And third, and the one I find has become the most detrimental in our current society, excessive individualism. The world has become a place of ‘me,’ which we need to replace with the imperative ‘we.’ We are bombarded with messages of self-involvement, and self-importance, and are losing our drive to serve, uplift, and join with others. This is conducive to neither healthy marriages or eternal ones.

 The Family: A Proclamation to the World declares, “Marriage between a man and a woman is ordained of God and that the family is central to the Creator’s plan for the eternal destiny of His children… Marriage between man and woman is essential to His eternal plan.” The words ‘central’ and ‘essential’ jump out, signifying the vital nature of the institution of marriage.  In the 131 section of the Doctrine & Covenants the Lord revealed to the prophet Joseph Smith, “In the celestial glory there are three heavens or degrees; and in order to obtain the highest, a man must enter into this order of the priesthood [meaning the new and everlasting covenant of marriage]; And if he does not, he cannot obtain it. He may enter into the other, but that is the end of his kingdom; he cannot have an increase.” Elder David Bednar explains two reasons why marriage is essential. He states first, “Natures of male and female spirits complete and perfect each other, and therefore men and women are intended to progress together toward exaltation.” And second, “By divine design, both a man and a woman are needed to bring children into mortality and to provide the best setting for the rearing and nurturing of children.”

President Ezra Taft Benson said, “The temple is an ever-present reminder that God intends the family to be eternal. How fitting it is for mothers and fathers to point to the temple and say to their children, ‘That is the place where we were married for eternity.’ By doing so, the ideal of temple marriage can be instilled within the minds and hearts of your children while very young.”

One thought from Elder Bednar struck me as something that I feel I need to improve on. “As men and women, as husbands and wives, and as Church leaders, one of our paramount responsibilities is to help young men and women learn about and prepare for righteous marriage through our personal example… Our children and the youth of the Church will learn the most from what we do and what we are—even if they remember relatively little of what we say.” My convictions regarding the sacred, essential, and eternal nature of marriage are strong. It is my goal going forward that I will better make these beliefs known, both to my own children as well as the youth I work with in my calling. And again in the words of Elder Bednar, “We are ordinary people who must accomplish a most extraordinary work.”

Definition of Marriage

 

We live in a time of change, a time of uncertainty, and a time to stand up for beliefs that we hold dear. Whether our reasons be religious, secular, or some of each, we have a responsibility to uphold them, even amid tireless scrutiny. In the face of current changes in the laws regarding marriage in the United States, this is often easier said than done. Especially for a person like me, who would avoids contention like I would the plague. So the question remains, why are there so many of us who still believe that marriage truly belongs between one man and one woman? It's a hard thing to explain, I don't proclaim to do so eloquently, and though I will express some of the thoughts I have, I hope that I will convey that above all else, my message is in love. In love for those people I do know personally who are affected at a personal level by this issue, as well as in love for those I don't know personally.

A sociologist at Rutgers University, David Popenoe says the following: "The burden of social science evidence supports the idea that gender differentiating parenting is important for human development and the contribution of fathers to child rearing is unique and irreplaceable. We should disavow the notion that mommies can make good daddies just as we should disavow the popular notion that daddies can make good mommies. The two sexes are different to the core and each is necessary wholly, naturally, and biologically for the optimal development of a child."

Study upon study have shown that the ideal setting for raising a child is in a home with both a mother and a father who are married. This doesn't mean that those who are raised in single parent, same-gender parent, or other non-traditional families will turn out to be less than incredible people. There are people from all walks of life who end up on both sides of the line. This simply means that children, on average, fare better when raised with a married mother and father, each bringing their own unique and distinct sexual identity into the raising of a children.

The Defense of Marriage Act of 1996 cited, "At bottom, civil society has an interest in maintaining and protecting the institution of heterosexual marriage because it has a deep and abiding interest in encouraging responsible procreation and child-rearing. Simply put, government has an interest in marriage because it has an interest in children."

A senior research fellow at the Heritage Foundation, Ryan Anderson says this, marriage "unites spouses at all levels of their beings: heart, minds, and bodies, where man and woman form a two-in-one flesh union. It is based on the anthropological truth that men and women are distinct and complementary, on the biological fact that reproduction requires a man and a woman, and on the sociological reality that children benefit from having a mother and a father."

Because I have a deep and abiding belief in the gospel contained within the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, the issue for me is also religious. I do believe that, as stated in the Church's Proclamation on the Family, "marriage between a man and a woman is ordained of God, and that the family is central to the creator's plan for the eternal destiny of His children... The family is ordained of God. Marriage between man and woman is essential to His eternal plan. Children are entitled to birth within the bonds of matrimony, and to be reared by a father and mother who honor marital vows with complete fidelity."

 

Marriage Trends

Let's talk about divorce for a moment. Why, pray tell, is the divorce rate currently so high in the United States, and does it matter? I'll start by saying that indeed, it does matter. It affects us on not only on a personal level, but right on up to society as a whole. So, why has it become so prevalent? Looking around at those I know, I can say with a great deal of confidence that selfishness is takes a great deal of the blame. More and more people are losing sight of what it means to commit to another person, and to put in the time and energy required to make that commitment successful. Often it is easier to walk away than to address the problems, put in the time and effort, and remain faithful to oaths you've made. No doubt, even good marriages are hard at times! You're fooling yourself if you think any marriage doesn't hit a storm every now and then. And looking back, I'm pretty sure no one ever promised that marriage would be rainbows and butterflies 100% of the time.

So, why does it matter outside the personal level? In The State of Our Unions: Marriage in America 2012 we read, "Marriage is not merely a private arrangement; it is also a complex social institution. Marriage helps to unite the needs and desires of couples and the children their unions produce. Because marriage fosters small cooperative unions-- otherwise known as stable families-- it not only enables children to thrive, but also shores up communities, helping family members to succeed during good times and to weather the bad times. Researchers are now finding that the disappearance of marriage in Middle America is tracking with the disappearance of the middle class in the same communities. For example, The Pew Research Center found that from 1971 to 2011, the proportion of middle-income households dropped from 61% to 51%. During the same period, the proportion of middle-income households headed by married couples dropped dramatically, from 74 to 55 percent." (pg 6-7)
This is not just a personal issue, though it is that. Nor is it even just a religious issue, though it is also that. This is an issue that affects us as a society, and one that must be more aggressively addressed. Though there are undoubtedly instances where divorce is the only answer, we must be much more careful in coming to that conclusion. Every effort should be made to ensure that efforts have been exhausted before the decision is made to terminate a marriage.

Dallin H. Oaks stated studies showed that "on average, persons are far more successful in recovering their level of happiness after death of a spouse than after a divorce.... Divorce is not an all-purpose solution, and it often creates long-term heartaches." If this heartache can be avoided don't we owe it to ourselves to do just that? We do. We are worth that.